Here I am again.
So much has gone through my head in the last couple years that I intended to write about and I can't remember any of them. I guess I should have written them down huh?
OK, segue to the diagnosis. After urging by a counselor I looked into having myself assessed for ADD. Yep! I have ADD. I have always joked about it but never pursued it because I already take a medication that does not play nice with ADD medication. There was also the stigma that my generation was raised with that good old self discipline was the answer. Put your nose to the grindstone and....well... That never sounded like a viable option for me but what did I know. I lacked self discipline.
Can you imagine how freeing it is to find out that it's a chemical imbalance in my brain, not laziness, rudeness, irresponsibility or lack of self discipline? I'm actually excited! There may be hope! Going to the right Dr. opens doors I thought were closed forever. He is going to investigate whether or not there is a new pharmaceutical out there that will still my spinning thoughts. Did I say spinning? Actually it's more like swishing really fast. I want to sit still so I don't distract the person behind me in church. (Yes, someone actually put their hands on my shoulders and asked if I ever sit still. Um, no.) I want to sit still and listen to the lyrics of a whole song and revel in the message! I want to sit still and enjoy the sound of the ocean for longer than a few seconds before my rapidly swishing thoughts swerved in another direction that had nothing peaceful to offer at that moment. I want to pray, and listen to my savior's voice....for a whole 5 minutes at least before some previous conversation I had or wanted to have in the worst way starts rolling through my visit with Jesus. I forget that He's even there! How rude is that!?!?!?
I want to eat lot's more slowly! I may even enjoy my food. I want to think more slowly so I can listen better. I want to talk more slowly so those I'm talking to can follow what I'm saying without feeling overwhelmed by me. I've been overwhelming to so many, and overwhelmed by frustration that I can't discipline myself to be less than overwh....well, you know. My world has gotten a little small.
I want to start a task and finish it....finish it! Squirrels live in my house. They're in the garage, the fridge, the guest room, the linen closet... I want to be able to go back to sleep in the night without racing thoughts and repeated song lyrics! Stupid songs at that! I don't just ruminate on one thing. I hear the rapidly swishing noise of the whirlpool harass me beyond white noise to downright infuriating intrusion into my sleep time. Thank goodness for Ambien! It doesn't mess with my other med.
Oh yeah, I was cleaning my room when I saw my laptop. SQUIRREL!
HOPE!
